Raising Muslim Children

2 – Childhood

All Praise be to Allah,

فالصبي أمانة عند والديه و قلبه الطاهر جوهرة خالية من كل نقش أو صورة و بقبل كل ما ينقش فيه و يميل مع ما تجعله فيه. فان عود الخير و نشأ عليه سعد و سعد أبويه في الدنيا و الآخرة و إن عودة الشر و أهمله إهمال البهائم شقي و هللك و كان الوزر في رقبة المربي لأنه ولد على الفطرة  أي الإسلام، لقول الإمام إبن قيم: من أهمل تعليم ولده ما ينفعه ، وتركه سدى؛ فقد أساء إليه غاية الإساءة ، وأكثر الأولاد إنما جاء فسادهم من قبل الآباء وإهمالهم لهم وترك تعليمهم فرائض الدين وسننه، فأضاعوهم صغاراً، فلم ينتفعوا بأنفسهم ، ولم ينفعوا آباءهم كباراً، كما عاتب بعضهم ولده على العقوق، فقال : يا أبت ، إنك عققتني صغيراً فعققتك كبيراً، وأضعتني وليداً فأضعتك شيخاً ..

Parents are entrusted with their children. Children are created with pure hearts, free of every taint and ready to accept any patterns or teachings and will grow up to become what you make him or her. Parents can turn their children good so both will have Paradise, or can make them evil to suffer in this life and the next. You destroy your children when you ignore them. The burden of this sin is on the parents, because children are born on Fitra (born as a Muslims).

Imam Ibn Qaiyam says:

Parents who ignore their children, and do not teach Islam and how to be Muslims, will be misguided young and old, and cannot expect any good from them in their old age.
And the disobedient child will tell his parents: Because you neglected me when I was young, I neglected you when you are an old man. You left me when I was young; I left you at your old age.

وقد ذكر العلماء مفاتيح سبعة لفهم عالم الطفولة حتى لا تعامله كالكبار و لا تعامله كعالم غريب

Scholars mentioned seven keys to understanding childhood to enable us to treat our children as adults, and to be able to relate best to and with them.

FIRST:

وأولى هزه المفاتيح أن يعلم الآباء أن الطفل كيان إنسانى سليم و ليس حالة تربوبة مخروفى ( لأنه مولود على فطرة الإسلام )

A child is a perfect human being created and born with the knowledge of Islam within.

وثانيها: الواجب عند الطفل يتحقق عبر اللدة و ليس عبر الألم فحاول أن تفهم دلك ( الألم قد يلزمة فترة خوفا و لا يربية )

SECOND:

We can only build the sense of responsibility in children through “reward” and NOT through “punishment.” 

Punishment builds fear that works for a short time only but reward motivates and has a life-long positive effect.

وثالثها:
الزمن عند الطفل زمن نفسى وليس زمن اجتماعى ( أي الفترة التى يشعر فيها بالمتعة والسعادة )

THIRD:

Children’s concept of time is psychological rather than social. Children are affected most by time spent in joy or sadness.

FOURTH:

When children are stubborn they are trying to show their independence.

Remember that the child was tied to his mother for 9 months then his cord was cut. And then he was tied to his mother’s milk as a baby, then he stopped breast feeding and moved on. So at every stage the child tries to become independent.

FIFTH:

Children use the space around them to discover the unknown rather than our concept of using space for certain things. Childhood is the period when children try to learn new things and to discover the world around them.

SIXTH:

The needs of children are legal and innocent, but sometimes they might express their need incorrectly so it seems something other than what they really mean. We must not punish them because of their failure to express themselves.

SEVENTH:

Any strange or irritating behaviors from children could be explained by their failure to satisfy their social needs. Children are eager to satisfy their social and psychological desires. So they need to be educated more to feel comfortable.

بخصوص اللعب والمذاكرة فلا غناء لأحدهما عن الآخر فبعد الجهد و القراءة والتحصيل تتفتح حياة الطفل ببعض اللعب الجميل, فإن منع الطفل من اللعب وأرهق بالتعليم للتخلص من التعليم لأن اللعب هو المتنفس المشروع للطاقة المائلة عند الطفل ، وصدق رسول الله ( ص) حينما قال لعبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص إن لله عليك حقا و إن لبدنك عليك حقا.

Having fun and Studying:

Learning and fun always go hand in hand. Children need to play after reading and studying to ventilate and open their minds and release their energy.

Preventing our children from playing, And forcing them to only study will tire their mind and body, and they will try to find ways to stop studying.

وصدق رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم عندما قال لعبد الله بن عبد العاص إن لله عليك حقا و إن لبدنك عليك حقا و إن لأهلك عليك حقا

Prophet Mohammad (PBUM) said to عبدالله بن عمرو بن العاص:

The same way you have a duty towards Allah, you have a duty towards your own body, and a duty towards your own family.

و كان ( ص) يسأل عمير بن ابي و قاص الدي كان عنده طائر صغير يلعب به و لما مرض حزن علية الطفل وكان (ص) يقول له يا عمير ماذا فعل النغيز (الطائر الصغير)

Prophet Mohammad used to play with Omair-ibn-Aby Waqas who had a little bird called “Al-nuqair”. The little bird became sick and the Prophet (PBUM) said: O’ Omair, what happened to Alnuqair?: to amuse him and ease his grief for the loss of his little bird.

 

لا تفضح الطفل و لا تجرحه إن لم تعلمه شيئا

دخل الضيف فسارع الطفل الى خطف الحلوى ولم يسلم عليه رغم انه خاله, مد الولد رجليه وجلس تكشر الأم عن أنيابها وضعت الشراب فذهب لأكبر كوب وأخده وضعت المائدة فلطخ يديه في الطعام والحلوى والأم تلا حقه من مكان لآخر و في النهاية وخاله ينصرف نادت الأم يا سعد تعال سلم على خالك فسلم و يديه ملطخة بالحلوى والطعام هنا وبعد الخروج تنهال الأم عليه ضربا

Do not embarrass or harm your children, especially if you have not taught them anything.
If do not teach your children right, they will misbehave. Teach your children good manners and do not punish them, and they will honor you before family and visitors.

أعلم يا من تربي طفلك أن التشاجر بين الأولاد له أسباب منها الغيرة و الشعور بالنقص و اضطهاد الكبار وانشغال الأبوين عن الأطفال ومحاولة الذكور في البيت للسيطرة على البنات و أحيانا لامتلاك بعض اللعب لا يملكها الآخر و احذر من مشكلة إخوة يوسف لما تميز بحب كان جزاؤه أن يلقى في البئر لولا القتل

When raising children, we must be aware that fighting between siblings happens all the time for many reasons such as jealousy, feeling of inferiority, persecution of the elder, parents negligence of their children’s needs and concerns, boys trying to control the girls, and unequal ownership of toys, games, and clothes.

Be aware of having the problem of Prophet Yusuf’s brothers when parents distinguish love and give more to one child. That treatment will make the child hated by his siblings. So when we raise our children, we must be fair between siblings.

Prophet Mohammad saw a man kiss only one of his two kids, The Prophet said: why do you not treat your children equally?

فلا بد أن تعدل كما تحب أن يعدل ولدك في البر و اللطف بك. امدح الولد الصالح و قل لهم أنا على ثقة أنكم جميعا ستكونون كذلك وأزرع الحب بين الأولاد وأربطهم ببعضهم ، و بين لهم أهمية الأخ و الأخت وانظر إلى هذا الرجل الحكيم الذي نظر  إلى ولده الصغير وهو يضرب أخاه المولود في العهد على وجهه. فوضع الأب بعض اللعب بجوار المولود ، وكلما اقترب الصغير منه أخد الأب لعبة أو حلوى بجواره وقال له: هذه من أخيك المولود ليفرح بها و يتعلق بأخيه

Parents must treat each child equally and fairly, just like you would like your children to treat you with kindness and obedience.

 

Praise the good son or daughter and say to your children: “I know you will all be like this, and become the best people”

Unite between siblings and engrave love between them.

There is an example of a wise man who saw his young song hitting his baby brother. The man put some toys next to the baby and every time the young son came closer the man took a toy or a candy and said to him,  “this is from your baby brother”   to increase the bond between his children.

لا تنحاز إلى ولد أو للآخر لأن هذا يبعد عنك و لدك و يبغضك . ساعد الكبير أن يعطف على أخوته و الصغير يحترم الكبير ، لا تسرع بالعقاب لأن أحدهم قد يشمت بالآخرين حين يعاقبون ، لا تقارن واحدا بالآخر فتقول له كان أفضل منك حينما كان فى سنك

Do not prefer one child over another in judgment, because this takes your child away from you, and makes the child hate you.

Help the older son to be kind to his younger siblings, and the younger child to respect the eldest.

Do not rush into punishment in disputes between children, because some may enjoy watching their siblings punished.

Do not compare one child to another, by saying that your brother was better than you when he was your age.

في الحقيقة: لا بد و أن نعلم الطفل السلوك الإسلامي و الآداب الإسلامية ، آداب الطعام و الشراب و أدأب المشي و آداب الجلوس و آداب النوم و آداب التحية ، و آداب الحديث و كل أنواع التعامل الإسلامي وخاصة الاستئذان ، عودوا أبنائكم الخير فإن تعويد الخير عادة .

We have to teach our children the Islamic ways of behaviors. We have to teach them the Islamic way of eating and drinking, sitting and walking, sleeping and awakening, greeting and talking, and asking for permission. Train your children to do the good, for it will become a habit.

و المشكلة لا بد للآباء و الأمهات من دراسة سورة النور و الحجرات و قراءة قصص الأطفال في عهد الصحابة و عهد السلف ليكون عندهم زاد لأبنائهم ، حتى يصبح للمسلمين مكانا بين الناس ويسودا الدنيا كما سادها القادة المسلمين سنوات عديدة

Parents must study Surat An-Noor and Al-Hujuraat  الحجرات و النور and read stories to their children about the Prophet’s companions, and the great leaders of Islam to motivate them to be like them, to grow up making a great name for Islam between people and leading the world to greatness like we had done before.

فلا بد من إيجاد دافع لطفلك على الإستذكار و الإنتباه ، كأن نغرس فيه حب العلم كعبارة لله و طاعة و لك الأجر و لا تنس أن تجعل له حوافز و جوائز على النجاح ليقودوا الأرض . أذكر له أشخاصا ناجحين ممن يحبهم لا تنس أن يبدأ ببعض الآيات قبل المذاكرة أو دعاء حاول قبل المذاكرة أن تحل له المشاكل و تريح له المكان و لا بد بين الحين و الآخر

We have to implant in them the love for knowledge by teaching them that knowledge is an obedience to Allah and a good deed for them in this life and the Hereafter. We have to motivate our children by rewarding their successes by giving them gifts or making a party to celebrate, so that they can be encouraged to succeed agin.

We can remind them of successful people they love and encourage them to read versus and offer supplications before starting to study or doing any activity.

We have to motivate them and solve their problems, and pave the path of their education and success.

Care for your children and feed them properly, and do not under feed them or feed them too much.

When Um Muawya’s son was a child walking by his mother in Mecca, she was told: “Your son will lead Mekka.” She replied: “I raised him to lead the world.” And indeed he became a man to lead the world.

Even in this American culture we see many similar examples. You all know Arnold, the Terminator! His wife said one of her most important jobs is being a mother. 

In reality, there are very few men raising children on their own. The woman’s traditional job is to be a mother, and children without mothers suffer psychological problems.

The house that lacks a righteous mother is empty. However, in a healthy house filled with love, mercy, and faith, the father is the roof and the mother is the heart, and it is the best place to raise the Muslim leaders of tomorrow.

In the next Khutbah we finish talking about children إن شاء الله, then we move on to raising teens right, and facing their issues.


 

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