All the writings of this humble servant are in reality due to the combined blessings of the company of our spiritual guides:
Muhyius-Sunnah Hazrat-e-Aqdas Maulana Shah Abrarul-Haq Saheb rahmatullah alaihe and Hazrat-e-Aqdas Maulana Shah Abdul Ghani Saheb Phoulpoori rahmatullah alaihe and Hazrat-e-Aqdas Maulana Shah Muhammad Ahmad Saheb rahmatullah alaihe Muhammad Akhtar aafallahu anhu
The Way to a Happy Married Life
Shaikh-ul-Arab Wal Ajam Arifbillah Hazrat e Aqdas Maulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (Damat Barakaatuhum) Translated by: Yousuf Gundiwala
First Edition July 2009
Published by: Khanqah Imdadia Ashrafia Gulshan Iqbal, block 2 Karachi
On Friday the 25th of Muharram, 1411 corresponding to 17th August 1990, a Nikah was performed at Masjid Ashraf, Khanqah Gulshan Iqbal, Karachi, with a lot of simplicity and according to Sunnat. Hazrat Aqdas Moulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (damat barakaatuhum) very often gives lectures about the evils of wedding customs in a most loving manner, through which many brothers have attained the taufeeq (ability) of performing their children’s Nikah according to the Sunnat method, thus leaving out the traditional family customs. Hazrat Moulana Shah Hakeem Muhammad Akhtar Saheb (damat barakaatuhum) mentioned that by the blessing of acting upon the Sunnat, one is saved from many problems, whereas if this wedding would take place in some hall then thousands (of rupees) would have been wasted on hiring the hall, decorating it, feeding and many other customs which are done for show, and the burden of sin would be a separate thing. By acting on the Sunnat, there are great benefits of Deen but even worldly benefits are tremendous, thus achieving peace and contentment. Before the Nikah, Hazrat wala gave an effective lecture on the mutual rights of husband and wife and living together, substantiating points from the Qur’aan and the Ahaadith from which the listeners benefitted greatly and showed an urge to have this lecture published for the benefit of others as well. Parents are advised to give this booklet to their children at the time of marriage.
This booklet was originally printed in Urdu, but for the benefit of the English readers, it has been translated into English. May Allah accept it and may it be a cause of great benefit to the Muslim Ummah. Ameen.
Before this illustrious gathering have I recited the khutbah pertaining to the rights of husband and wife along with the verses relative to marriage. Four verses of the Qur’aan and four Ahaadith of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) have been recited in your presence. I will now elaborate thereon in the sequence with which they were recited. This, in Arabic is termed, Laf-o-Nashr meaning involution and evolution in which a series of epithets or predicates follow a series of subjects.
Allah Ta’ala states, O believers! Fear Allah as He has to be feared.
From this, one learns that to fear Allah a little is not sufficient, so fear Allah by attaining perfect piety. The question arises what is perfect piety. For this, we have to refer to the commentaries of the great commentators and not just understand it through our intellect. Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat has mentioned the commentary of this verse in Beyaanul Qur’aan as “O believers! Just as you have repented from kufr and shirk, so must you stay away from all sins”.
One who has stayed away from Kufr and Shirk but does not save himself from sins has not feared Allah Ta’ala fully.
One has not fulfilled the right of fearing Allah Ta’ala as He deserves to be feared. Fearing Allah as He deserves to be feared in this context means “Just as you take precautions and stay far from Kufr and Shirk so too must you take precautions against the commission of sins. Protect yourselves from sins. Abstain from all sins and die only on Islam.”
“And let death not find you but in the state of Islam.”
This is the translation and commentary of the very first verse recited.
6. The Power of Allah Ta’ala
In the second verse, Allah Ta’ala states “O mankind, O people of the world”
This is an address directed to the entire human race wherein Allah Ta’ala is instructing them,
7. Family Planning Not Necessary – Allah Ta’ala Provides
In the commentary of this verse, Hakeem ul Ummat Hazrat Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) explains that Allah Ta’ala has enumerated three forms of creating His servants, He has created all of you from one life source from your ultimate forefather, Hazrat Adam (alaihis salaam). Hazrat Adam (alaihis salaam) in turn has been created from dust, from soil without the agency, without the intermediary of parents, without the outwards means and causes. Hereby has Allah Ta’ala demonstrated: He is not in need of, He is not depended on means and causes. If He so chooses, He creates life from lifeless earth. Therefore, O people of the world! Fear such a Lord, such a Sustainer, and such an All-powerful Master. This then is the first form of creating, from inanimate to animate, from lifeless to life.
Further, it is stated “And from this life form He created a partner.”
From Adam (alaihis salaam) Allah Ta’ala created a partner, a wife and companion for Adam (alaihis salaam). This is the second form of creating. If Allah Ta’ala so wills , He creates a living being from a living being without the meeting of spouses, for Hazrat Hawwa (alaihis salaam) was created from the rib of Hazrat Adam(alaihis salaam).
Allah Ta’ala further states, And from this pair (that is Hazrat Adam and Hawwa) We created innumerable men and women.
This is the third form of creating and is the system, the method of procreation until the Day of Qiyaamah. From this humble pair were transmitted the seeds of humanity until the entire planet has become populated with hordes of humans, all of whom are being sustained and provided for by Allah Ta’ala. Thus, family planning and sterilization are absolutely unnecessary. That Allah Who is capable of infusing the soul within the body is without doubt more then, capable of providing the meager fair to sustain that body that bears the soul, for more valuable then sustenance is the soul. If food is in great abundance and is readily at hand and doctors, physicians and specialists are also in attendance but the solitary soul soars though the skies, all the food in the world and all the experts in preserving life are at loss, they are totally incapable of returning the soul to the bare body. Very unnecessarily and foolishly do the Kuffar remain preoccupied with the quest of food. Mufti Shafi Saheb (rahmatullah alaihe) has aptly written an amazing point of reference. Every year without fail, millions of sheep, goats, buffalos, and cattle are slaughtered for Qurbani in spite of which these animals can easily be acquired. There is never really any shortage.
While dogs and pigs are not procured for slaughtering and which nonetheless are born in litters as opposed to Qurbani animals, which are born in pairs at the most, yet one always sees flocks of these animals compared to the former, which have no barakat. By slaughtering in the name of Allah, barakat is generated.
A Hindu once argued that Muslims are very hard-hearted because they mercilessly draw a blade across the throat of animals. The reply to this argument was furnished by Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) who stated, “You resort to snapping the neck of animals which cause it even more suffering and pain. While we upon reciting the blessed name of Allah Ta’ala provide a dose of chloroform which cause the animal to become intoxicated by the beloved name of Allah Ta’ala. It is in this state of ecstasy that it gives up its life.” Such is the ecstasy inherent in His beloved Name.
Allah, Allah! How beloved is the name. It is the intoxicating drops of lovers. The condition of the Sahabah (Radhiallaho anhum) was such that upon being struck with an arrow in the heat of battle, they immediately exclaimed, Upon the oath of the Lord of the Ka’abah, I have attained success, Upon the name of Allah, every difficulty is transformed into ease. This is why it is farz or compulsory to learn the love Allah Ta’ala. What can I say to adequately express the joy and pleasure to be derived upon learning the love of Allah Ta’ala?
8. The Rights of In-Laws
Allah Ta’ala further states, “….And O people! Fear that Allah by whose Name you demand your mutual rights.”
It is the Name of Allah that you use as an intermediary, as a means, as a lever to accrue the rights due to you. What does one say when a customer fails to pay for goods provided on credit? One tends to plead in Allah’s Name, saying, “Please, for Allah’s sake, in the Name of Allah, I ask you to fulfill the debt you owe to me. Fear Allah and give me my due.”
Allah Ta’ala at this juncture is telling us to fulfill the rights of family and relatives, by remembering the Name of Allah we present for demanding our own rights. Fear the non-fulfillment, the usurpation and destruction of their rights. Ensure that you do not fall short in observing the due rights of wife and children, of blood ties. What is meant by, والرحم? Most people understand the connotation of ارحم to mean only one’s parents, brothers and sisters, paternal and maternal grandparents etc. excluding the wife’s immediate family. This is why I am resorting to an explanation of this verse which has been given by Allama Aaloosi As-Sayyid Mahmood Baghdadi (rahmatullah alaihe) in his commentary, Roohul Ma’aani. I am also quoting the Arabic text so that the learned scholars can also appreciate and enjoy it. Meant by ,ارحم “By blood relatives, are those who are directly related to one as well as those who are related through the wife.”
Among them are the mother and father of the wife who are termed as mother-in-law and father-in-law as well as her brothers who are called brother-in-law. The term used in Persian, Khusr means king while the Urdu term is Susar. The brother-in-law is called Nisbati Bhai or brother though the relationship of marriage. Commonly used is the term saalah which our Buzurgaan-e-Deen prevent us from using for it is akin to a term of vulgarity. Consider now the amount of respect one is taught for one’s in-laws.
Thus, meant by blood relatives are one’s own as well as the wife’s immediate family. If perchance they happen to be in a crisis, they go hungry while one fills his stomach, one will surely be questioned about it on the day of Qiyaamah. Given the means, one will, by serving one’s poor in-laws receive the same reward as serving one’s own parents. People are well aware of and readily fulfill parent’s rights and serve them with respect and honor.
Remember honoring the in-laws is just as meritorious as honoring one’s own parents. Do not, over petty issues reign with an iron fist. If the mother-in-law happens to be ill, one’s wife is nursing her and tending to her needs and comfort, and she requests that one allow her to stay for a few days more, do not adopt a high-handed attitude and refuse. Do not become insulting and harsh by telling the mother-in-law, “After marriage your reign over your daughter has ended. Don’t you know what Allah states in the Qur’aan?” He says Men are in authority over women
Amazing how well you have memorized this verse as if you are Moulana of the age. “I am in authority.” Is this authority or mercilessness and unworthiness? Such a person’s character is mean and lowly. If one’s own parents were ill, how would one deal with them? Therefore, deal exactly the same manner as one would deal with one’s own parents. Display mercy. If need arises, cook your own food or eat out. Treat you mother-in-law in the same way as you would your own mother, have mercy! Cook your own food if your wife stays one more day with her mother to serve her, what harm will there be. What! Has the one who brought up her daughter for sixteen years, no more rights left after Nikah? This is against the spirit of mercifulness and is real hard heartedness. Rather, immediately say, “Yes, very well, keep her for four more days instead of two days. When you are better, I will take her back.”
Also, come back to ask about your mother-in-law’s welfare and help in serving her. She has given you her daughter, a piece of her heart, and you have attained her for nothing. You do not have mercy on her as you ought to have.
Amazingly enough, if your son-in-law troubles your daughter you run immediately to a Peer Saheb for taweez, to subject him to your daughter and that he must listen to her and fulfill all her demands. It is not even permissible to have such a taweez made. Surely, the amount that the Shariat permits should be fulfilled. So remember! O people who are seeking taweez, your wife is also someone’s daughter.
9. Remedy for Anger
If you are a hot-tempered person, get taweez for yourself. Recite al-Basmalah seven times and blow onto the food so that when the other family members also eat this food, they too will remain safe from anger. Recite the same and blow on the water used for cooking. Inshallah the whole household will have a merciful spirit. A person who has this realization that he needs a taweez for his anger is at least a human, because he realized it. A few months ago, a person wrote a letter from Jeddah stating that there is always quarrel and fighting taking place between wife, my children and me. Everyone is suffering from anger. I wrote to him to recite al-Basmalah seven times and blow onto the food. Together with this, everyone should recite yaa subbuh, ya quddus, yaa dawood, yaa ghafur whenever one remembers, but as much as one can tolerate. For those who suffer from intense anger, they should mix glucose, a lemon and three spoons of husk in a glass of cold water and drink it daily. The heat and intensity experienced in the state of anger will subside. After a month, the same person wrote that the entire house has become the embodiment of peace and tranquility.
Anger is a very dangerous thing. Through it many homes have broken. A man came knocking at my door at twelve in the night, saying, “I divorced my wife in anger, now that the anger has cooled I cannot sleep feeling sorry for my little children and missing my wife terribly.” I told him, “Because you have shot all three arrows of divorce at once you must now face the consequences.” This man said, “I did it in anger.” To which I replied, “Whether you utter these words in anger or happiness it takes effect.” Another point to learn here is that anger is very shrewd. How?
One man weighs a hundred kilograms and says to someone who is weaker than him, “move out of my way, I am getting mad with anger.” However, another man arrives on the scene who weighs a hundred and fifty kilograms and is much stronger, now this hundred-kilogram man says, “sorry sir, forgive me, I made a mistake.” This shows that anger is taken out on one who is weaker than oneself. One who remembers Allah Ta’ala’s Might and Power will not go out of control in anger. A Sahabi was beating his slave, Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) saw him and said, Allah has more power over you then you have over this slave. The Sahabi (radhiallaho anho) said, “I turned around and saw that it was none other than Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam).. The Sahabi then said, “I free this slave for the sake of Allah.” Upon this, Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) said, “Had you not freed this slave, the fire of Jahannam would have wrapped itself around you.” So remember the Might of Allah when you get angry.
There is a Hadith to the effect that: One who controls his anger, Allah will save him from His punishment on the day of Qiyaamah.
Hazrat Abu Bakr (radhiallaho anho) got very angry with his cousin for some reason. Allah Ta’ala informed him through His Messenger (salellaho alaihe wasallam) “O Abu Bakr, would you not love (to forgive this servant of Mine who has taken part in the Battle of Badr?) And I will forgive you on the day of Qiyaamah.” Upon this, Hazrat Abu Bakr (radhiallaho anho) took an oath “By Allah! I love that Allah forgives me (I too forgive my cousin’s mistakes)”.
One person got very angry with his wife because there was a lot of salt in the food, but then he remembered Allah and decided not to say anything to her. Secretly he said to Allah, “O Allah, she is my wife and Your bondswoman too.” This is what people forget. Men who have oppressed their wives have suffered severe calamities in their life.
The punishment of oppression is very sever. Therefore, this person, whose wife had put too much salt in the food, forgave her. When he passed away, someone asked him in a dream as to how Allah Tala treated him. He replied that Allah had reminded him about his tolerance about the cooling of his anger upon his wife, for putting too much salt in the food. This he had done to please Allah. For this, he was forgiven. Hazrat Moulana Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) narrated this incident in his lecture. Therefore, one should be very careful in matters of wives, children, parents and relatives.
10. Parents Rights
Be very fearful concerning parents’ rights. Do not blabber to them out of anger because their curse affects a person to extent that one does not die without first suffering the punishment in this world. It is mentioned in a Hadith of Mishkaat Shareef that one who troubles his parents will never die without first being punished.(Mishkaat p.421)
I met a very pious man in Bombay who had pus falling from his fingers and was affected with leprosy. When I inquired about it, the man replied, “I committed a grave mistake in that I shouted at my mother taking my wife’s part, while the two of them were having an argument, my mother cursed me that I should get this illness and that I should not be able to attend her funeral, and both things have materialized.” I have witnessed this incident with my own eyes. Therefore, be very careful concerning parents rights.
11. The Right of Teacher
Another point to bear in mind is the rights of one from whom one has learnt Deen. Do not, till the end of one’s life dash his rights to the ground. Some display independence, in that they no longer maintain contact with the teacher.
Some disappear for a month or two, others for much longer, even to the extent of years. Remember to fulfill the rights till the end of life of one from whom one has learnt even a single letter. Hadhrat Ali (radhiallaho anho) states “One who has taught me a single letter has enslaved me.”
Immaterial of the circumstances that prevail, even though one’s teacher, one’s spiritual guide scolds and reprimands one, never bear malice in one’s heart towards them. If at times they are harsh with one, do not bear enmity against them. Consider their reprimands, their scolding as being part of one’s treasure in the quest for Allah’s love. If, for one’s reformation, one is scolded by an Allah wala, consider it to be an investment in the account of love for Allah which He will definitely record. The love, which is for the sake of Allah, is a true love
12. A Verse Pertaining To the Khutbah of Nikah
Listen now to the third verse recited in the Nikah Khutbah: O believers! Fear Allah Ta’ala and Speak clearly and correctly Attain piety in every walk of life and choose the path of obedience. And when you speak
Speak clearly and correctly
Converse in such a manner in which love is maintained and all matters remain pleasant. Do not go over the limit, do not approach the boundaries of arguments and fights.
In all the commentaries has been translated as یتقبل . In the commentaries like Roohul Ma’aani ,Khaazin as well as Bayaanul Qur’aan of Hakeem ul Ummat Mujaddid ul Millat along with the other commentaries, state the meaning of Allah Ta’ala will accept your good deeds
The literal translation of the verse is, Allah Ta’ala will rectify your deeds
However, this will be an incorrect translation. It is for this very reason that literal translations of the Qur’aan Shareef with a dictionary are not permissible. If anyone were to say, that it is the right and prerogative of all and sundry, of every professor of every college to sit, translate, and comment on the commentaries with the aid of a dictionary, there can be no greater ignorant than him. This is so because the commentary of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) can be the only true one. Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) was taught by Allah Ta’ala through the agency of Hazrat Jibraiel ( alaihis salaam) and he in turn taught his students, the Sahabah (radhiallaho anhum).
Therefore, one will have to turn to the Sahabah to determine what commentary was made by Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) and to translate it accordingly. Thus, the consuming desire possessed by doctors and professors to sit with dictionaries in hand and resort to translating the Qur’aan defeats logic and intelligence. It is Wajib or compulsory to rectify this misconception held by such people. Hadhrat Abdullah Ibne Abbas (radhiallaho anho), who is termed as the head of all the commentators, explains,. Thus, he did not give the literal meaning of the verse at hand as meaning, Allah Ta’ala will rectify your deeds but resorted to the explanation heard directly from Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) which was, Allah Ta’ala will accept your good deeds
Why was this translation, this explanation resorted to? Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat (rahmatullah alaihe) in the footnotes of Bayaan ul Qur’aan stated, “When your actions will become good they will be accepted as well.” Therefore, the performance of good deeds necessitates acceptance, in that one who is accepted will be able to perform good deeds. When will one be able to perform good deeds? When sincerity is attained, when actions are performed for the pleasure of Allah. From this we learn as well that one who is excessively involved in arguments and fights at home or for that matter a woman in the same position, places in danger the acceptance of good deeds.
On the other hand, one whose speech is embellished with sweetness and softness enjoys another bounty of Taqwa, “Allah Ta’ala will forgive your sins.” “And one who obeys Allah Ta’ala and His Rasul will become successful.”
13. Good Character
The fourth verse recited was, (“O people of the world! Your Creator is advising you to) establish good conduct with your wives.” Who can be more degraded, who can be low than one who fails to heed the intercession of Allah Ta’ala. These are the words of Hakeem ul Ummat (rahmatullah alaihe). I say nothing from my own side. Whatever I relate is from my elders.
Hakeem ul Ummat Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) is informing us that in this verse Allah Ta’ala interceded on behalf of wives so that their husbands approach them with exemplary character. If the chief of staff, the commissioner of police, the highest-ranking general in the army were to intercede on behalf of one’s wife with these words, “Remember, your wife is my daughter’s best friend, they were school mates. If you happen to ill treat her remember that I am the chief of staff, the commissioner of police, the highest ranking general in the army.” How will one, under such circumstances act when dealing with his wife? He will constantly asks her, “Is everything in
order? I hope that I am not upsetting you in any way. Immaterial of what happens, kindly ensure that you do not complain to those who intercede on your behalf.”
In this case, it is none other than Allah Ta’ala, who is interceding on behalf of His bondswomen with these words, “Approach your wives with exemplary character.” She may be your wife but she is also My bondswoman. Bear this constantly in mind. Who can be worse than one who ignores Allah Ta’ala’s intercession, who turns a blind eye to the intercession of his Creator and treats his wife despicably by causing untold difficulties to her at every turn. Under such circumstances, particularly when the husband is an outwardly pious person who is punctual on Namaaz, who does have a beard and does not allow even his Ishraaq and Tahajjud to become Qadha. When such a person happens to degrade and beat his wife, who causes unnecessary inconvenience to her, she begins to think along these lines, “Better than him are those who adopt the western dress but who keep their wives in ease.” When she sees her neighbor being treated well by her modern husband, a heart-rending cry emits from the core of her being, that he is better than her socalled, pious husband, “I wish I had not been stuck with this bearded person.” If this is our behavior then we are causing women to hate the beard. After the fact that we do keep beards, that we read our Namaaz with regularity, that we adopt the dress of the pious, that after having established a relationship with the Ahlullah, our responsibilities are greatly increased. Our demeanor must be such whereby her inclination towards Deen increases.
Approach your wives with such good character that she is forced to announce to the other women in the neighborhood, “If only, like me, you had married an Allah wala, you had married a Namaazi, if only you had someone who keeps contact with the Buzurgs.” Ensure that one’s character is of such lofty standard that she makes widely known the benefits and advantages of marrying a person who is Deeni conscious, who fulfills the rights of a wife. Therefore, be very conscious in fulfilling the rights of your wives. I have seen such people involved in great difficulties who ill-treated their wives.
The four verses pertaining to Nikah, which were recited, have been adequately discussed. I will now translate for your benefit the four Ahaadith as well. Thereafter the Nikah will take place.
14. Nikah is Sunnat Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) has said. Nikah is my Sunnah.
One who abstains from, who shuns my Sunnah is not of me. What is the commentary of this Hadith? If a person has some valid excuse, some plausible reason as for example, one is so overtaken with the love of Allah Ta’ala that he is unable to fulfill the rights of marriage, he is unable to fulfill the due rights of wife and children it will not be termed abstention or shunning. On the other hand, only if one has no such excuse, if one does not have a valid reason and shuns the Sunnah then he will be subject to the warning mentioned in this Hadith. Therefore, do not harbor evil thoughts regarding anyone. There were many great Ulema and Auliya who did not marry. Hazrat Bishr Haafi (rahmatullah alaihe) is one such person as is the writer of the commentary of Muslim Shareef. Allamah Muhyuddeen Abu Zakariyya Nawawi (rahmatullah alaihe), Allamah Taftazani (rahmatullah alaihe) among others.
These people did not resort to marriage for they experienced certain difficulties. What these difficulties were, are explained below in the following couplet:
To whom do we explain our difficulties
Casting our glance towards the heavens have we been left
Wives also read such couplets when husbands ill-treat them. If he is constantly troubling and insulting her, she raises her gaze towards the heavens and says:
To whom do we explain our difficulties, Casting our glance towards the heavens have we been left
15. The Rights of Husbands
She ponders as follows, “Had I been a man and he my wife I would have handled his case.” Together with this, let wives also realize the respect and honor due to their husbands as well. If at times they happen to over step the mark, bear in mind the honor due to them. Remember the position granted to them by Allah Ta’ala and in order to earn the pleasure of Allah Ta’ala forgive them. Consider service to them as one’s great good fortune. It appears in a Hadith, if a husband goes to sleep while displeased with his wife, none of her good actions will be accepted even though she spends the entire night knocking at Allah Ta’ala’s door with Tasbeehaat. Wives should also ponder and realize that the position granted to husbands is so high that, if permission was given for anyone to make sajdah or prostrate before a human, such permission would have been given to the wife in respect of her husband. Remember nonetheless that it is not permissible; therefore, permission for this act was not granted. It is only Allah Ta’ala who is worthy and deserving of being prostrated before. Therefore, it is not permissible for anyone beside Allah Ta’ala.
In addition, its incumbent upon parents to teach their daughters that even though the husband becomes angry or becomes bitter towards them they should tolerate it for through him numerous gifts and bounties are also enjoyed.
Husbands literally turn their blood to perspiration in earning a living to see to the wife’s needs and comfort, while wives stand before stoves making ‘Chapaati.” There is a relationship between ‘Chapat’ the sound of a light slap and ‘Chapaati’. While Chapaati is being made, the sound that is heard is ‘Chapat’. Thus, from”Chapat’ the word Chapaati is derived. Let me narrate an incident regarding ‘Chapat’. There was, in Delhi a poet by the name of Inshallah Khan. Inshallah once happened to be the guest of Nawaab or lord. At the time of partaking meals, Inshallah Khan was bare headed. Due to feeling ashamed he lowered his head and ate. The Nawaab Saheb with a sense of humor gave him a light slap on the head asking him as to why he was eating bare headed. While keeping his head lowered, he retorted, “Allah Ta’ala forgive my beloved father who always advised, do not eat bare headed, otherwise Shaytaan will slap you.” Nawaab Saheb was dumbfounded at his quick wittedness.
16. Leniency towards Wives
The translation of another Hadith: Women are like a rib…. Because they have been created from the crooked rib and are crooked. Do we not, in spite of the fact that our ribs are crooked, benefit from them? Are the husbands not benefitting from their wives in spite of the fact that they are temperamental? Although one’s ribs are crooked we carry on living with them. We never request to be admitted to a hospital to have them straightened. The Prophetic words are, “If you will try to straighten them you will break them.”
This mean, do not interfere with them too much, tolerate their temperament. If you will be harsh, matter will reach ahead and end up in a divorce. The poor children will swear and curse you, “what a tyrant of a father we have who has divorced our mother.” After separation, you too will think of her and cry. When the tale of your harshness will spread, no one else will give you their daughter, thinking you to be a merciless person who has divorced one wife and will do the same to their daughter. Therefore, have patience upon their bad temper, their nagging and mood swings and do not try to straighten them.
In the commentary of this Hadith, Allama Qastalani says, Allah Ta’ala’s beloved Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) advises men, There is the lesson to treat wives well
2. And to be soft towards them
3. And to have patience on their crookedness,
4. Because their intellect is weak.
If one has a weak child, one tolerates him to a great extent and warn others too, to excuse the child for its weakness, for natural weakness should readily be excused. So Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) has said, “women have a little less intelligence. They are Naaqisaatu-Aql” (not perfect intellectually), so tolerate their weak points, thinking them to be of weak intellect e.g. if you will bring five Rands (currency of South Africa) worth of medicine, she will say you have brought rubbish from somewhere. When a woman was asked if her husband brought clothes, shoes for her, she replied, “Yes, he brings some rags (cloths), pieces of lathe (shoes), and tins (dishes) sometimes.” So forgive them for such talks for they are weak.
17. The Dangers of Being Lured by Women
Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) says, “Although they are weak, yet great people lose all sense of intelligence because of them.” Therefore, save yourselves from looking at strange women, this is compulsory for you. Even though one be professor possessing a PhD, a highly qualified graduate or even an eminent Aalim, without protecting the gazes, without taking due precaution one will lose ones senses when looking at them.
18. Mutual Relations
The Shariat has given them some rights of coquetry and playfulness. Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) told Hazrat Aayesh (radhiallaho anha), “I know when you are angry with me.” She asked, “May my parents be sacrificed for you O Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam), how do you know?” Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) replied, “When you are angry with me you say By the Lord of Ebrahim and when you are happy with me, you say By the Lord of Muhammad
See, although being a great Prophet and so honorable, he tolerated his wife and did not get angry with her.
Therefore, they also have some rights. Some men think themselves to be rulers over their wives and they recite this verse, but Moulana Abrarul Haq Saheb (rahmatullah alaihe) has said, “Surely you are rulers over your wives, but only in matters of Shariat”. If she tells you to do anything against Shariat, e.g. buy a TV or video or allow photography or going to bioscope etc. then here you put your foot down, lay down your rules and never compromise. However, if she asks you to bring a cold drink for her sometimes, do not say you are not in the mood, because you had a big fight at the office today. Fulfill the rights of her love; do not be lax in this. To put a morsel in the wife’s mouth is also Sunnat. You have one contact of being a ruler over her and another as a lover. On the other hand, she has the contact of one being ruled over and the other of being loved. So fulfill the rights of love and your marriage will be a happy one. Your house will become a place of great peace and contentment, and above all, Allah Ta’ala will be pleased. Our mother Ummahatul Mu’mineen Hazrat Aayesha (radhiallaho anha) used to recite this couplet when Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) came to her in the evening, We have a sun and so does the sky have a sun, but my sun is better than the sun of the sky, because the sky’s sun rises after Fajr, while my sun rises after Esha.
She says, “When Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) came into the house, he came in smiling and greeted the house folk.” Nowadays, both these Sunnats have been left out. Although Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) had the whole Ummat’s grief and concern at heart, yet he did not leave out this wonderful practice. May Allah Ta’ala also give us this Taufeeq.
19. Customary Weddings
The next Hadith is: “The most blessed Nikah is the one in which least expenses are incurred, and is simple.”
Allah Ta’ala has put blessing in simplicity, but nowadays the weddings have to be in halls and thousands of people are invited for meals. Food is served in buffet style, free intermingling of sexes, various types of food is served, music is blaring loudly, photos are taken with the bride being displayed on the stage, if possible then the whole wedding is also put on video etc.
About buffet style eating, Allah Ta’ala states in the Holy Qur’aan, “They eat like animals,”
This verse was for the Kuffaar. What a pity that the Muslims are now imitating the Kuffaar. Whereas the true benefactor of the Ummat announced fourteen hundred years back, that do not eat and drink while standing, The Muslims are openly going against this beloved teaching.
Another evil in these weddings is that video films are made of the wedding and certain bearded and so-called pious people often sit and watch all this occur. It is NOT permissible to even sit there. It is Wajib to go away from there immediately. Any gathering where Allah Ta’ala is disobeyed should be walked out on, even as far as removing the morsel that was in the mouth already. These are evil customs by which the Nikah is deprived of blessings.
Attendants in uniform are hired to serve. Some people hire bands to play Haraam music and hire an elephant from the zoo. The astounding fact is that these people belong to those strata of society who live in shacks and who accept Zakaat. I have seen such people on the occasions of their weddings resorting to such extravagance. To give Zakaat to such people is Haraam for they have money saved at the bank, which causes them to be excluded from the category of recipients for Zakaat. Do not give your Zakaat to people who make collection of Zakaat a profession.
By helping such people one is actually aiding in the commission of Haraam acts. This was with reference to spurious customs innovated by people and which is so called Barakat.
Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) mentioned that the Nikaah with the most Barakah is one which is, “With the least expense.”
If Walimah has to take place then it too should be done very simply. It is not Wajib to make Walimah inviting hundreds of people and keeping it in a hall. Invite a few needy people and feed them, the Sunnat of Walimah will be fulfilled. Feed the Walimah guests in your house; you will not need to hire a hall for which you have to pay hundreds. Rather save all this money and give it to your daughter or son who is marrying or keep it for yourselves and use it in a good cause. Remember, even if thousands of people will attend the wedding or Walimah, they will never be satisfied, they will have unending complains, e.g. the food was too salty or too oily or the meat was not cooked properly or it was too spicy, or the food was tasteless or burnt etc. Therefore, leave all this wastage and work with simplicity. A Sahabi (radhiallaho anho) got married in Madina and he did not even invite Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) to the Walimah feast. When Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) found out about this Sahabi’s marriage, he did not show displeasure to his Sahabi that why did he not invite him. Nowadays, the family fights if they are not invited and say, “We will not invite them to our functions and will not attend any other gathering of theirs in the future” All this is ignorance. Therefore, a Nikah in which least expenses are incurred, know it to be the most blessed.
21. A Right of the Wife
It is written in the discourses of Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) , an additional right concerning a wife is that she be given some spending money for her personal use every month and not be asked to account for it.
She is helpless and under you and does not go out to earn. She too, perhaps feels like giving gifts to her family, where then must she get it from? So give her some money according to your means. Listen now the fourth Hadith, which will bring to completion this Majlis. There are those people who suffer from the misconception that by being harsh and cruel to their wives they will maintain control and earn respect. They consider it the ultimate aspect of manliness to keep the wife lowering in fear before them. I have heard that in some places it is the custom to beat the wife on the first night to establish one’s control. What ignorance and injustice this is. We beseech Allah Ta’ala to protect us from all forms of ignorance. What, on the contrary is the beautiful lifestyle and the perfect example of our Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam)? Our beloved mothers of the Ummah were sitting and conversing with Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) in such a manner that their voices were fairly loud. Hazrat Umar (radhiallaho anho) happens to present himself in the company of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) upon which they all fall
silent. Hazrat Umar (radhiallaho anho) asks them, “What has happened to you O wives of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) that upon the appearance of Umar you all fell silent for fear of him and that you talk freely and with sharpness to Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam)?” The reply furnished by our mothers was, “O Umar, your temperament is hard while our lot has been destined with Rahmatul lil Aalameen (The mercy onto the worlds).
Allamah Aaloosi (rahmatullah alaihe) has quoted a Hadith in his commentary, Roohul Ma’aani in which Sayyidul Ambiya (salellaho alaihe wasallam) says, “One who is kind and gentle, his wife will over power him.”
Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is teaching us to recognize the natures of women. That husband who is kind and gentle, who is an Allah wala, who is noble natured, who is tolerant at heart will have his wife having control over him, for she realizes that she will not be scolded or taken to task. He will not beat her, will not be harsh, will not even raise his voice but will instead increase his kindness towards her. This gives her the courage to be free and informal with her husband. While those who are ill natured, “One who is ill natured will overpower his wife (by means of violence and vulgarity).”
Will gain the upper hand over them by means of violence and vulgarity, by their evil temperament and terrible character. Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) goes on to say, “I prefer, I find it more beloved to be kind and gentle even though I may be overcome by their loudness.”
No change must occur to the loftiness in my character. My character must remain soft and tolerant. Consider what he (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is saying “I do not consider it more beloved to be harsh and intolerant, hardhearted and vile and thereby gain control over them.”
These words are a great lesson for the Ummah at large. By uttering these words, Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is expressing the hope of infusing gentleness, of imbuing kindness and good character in the men of his Ummah with respect to their womenfolk. Nabi (salellaho alaihe wasallam) was without a doubt established on lofty character as attested to by Allah Ta’ala in the Qur’aan-e-Kareem, Verily you are upon lofty characters
22. Do Not Keep Your Wife Tense (Under Pressure)
From A Lecture Delivered In Azaadville, South Africa In 1990
Another point is, Nowadays men think that it is very correct for them to keep their fear and awe upon their wives, keep them under pressure. Outside with their friends they are in a jovial and happy mood, but when they step into the house they become serious and do not laugh or smile or even make a joke or two with the wife who was waiting for him the whole day thinking that when my husband comes home in the evening I will tell him this and that. She wants to tell him something but he is sitting with a tasbeeh or he enters the house with eyes closed and a tasbeeh
dangling in his hands as if Baba Fareeduddeen Attar, Hazrat Bayazeed Busta ami, or Khwajah Mu’inuddeen Chisti (rahmatullah alaihim) is entering. Is this the right of a wife? Those who do not have Deen in them enter the house like a Pharaoh with big red eyes and those who have Deen in them come in like some pious saint in meditation with eyes closed as if they are living in the heavens. Go to your wife smiling and speaking to her, you will get more Thawaab (virtues) for fulfilling her rights than reading that Tasbeeh at this moment. Laughing, joking and talking with the wife is also part of Ibaadat. To stay awake the whole night for Ibaadat and not talking to the wife is contrary to the Sunnat practices. A Sahabi went to visit another Sahabi, the host got up to start his nightly Ibaadat, the guest stopped him and told him to first speak to him as he was his guest, then perform some Nawaafil, then fulfill the wife’s rights too though it may be by just speaking to her.
23. Kindness to Wives
Hazrat Hakeem ul Ummat Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) says it is wrong to reject the intercession of Allah Ta’ala, when He is, commanding to treat a wife well. She is weak and far from her parents, she is at our mercy. After giving birth to a few children she becomes weak and the husband takes out all his anger on her because she did not do some work of his. Alas! Why have you thought her to be like your maid (servant), how about you doing it yourself for a change. You were not given a wife to work for you. If she does any work for you, it is through her kindness. So Allah Ta’ala is interceding for His bondswoman, that treat your wife well, whether she be young or old, even if her teeth have fallen and her face has wrinkled. Not that when she was young and beautiful you did everything for her and now that she has grown old you treat her terribly. This in not correct. Think of this old lady who has grown old with you. When she was young and pretty you loved her, now that she is old, love her thinking it to be the command of Allah Ta’ala, and be kind to her for the same. If she has a headache, bring medicine for her and be merciful towards her.
24. Be Content with Your Partner
Many men are sorry later in life as to why they married their wife and not some other woman. Remember, what Allah Ta’ala has predestined must happen. Therefore, be happy with your lot, which Allah Ta’ala has chosen for you.
25. The Beauty of a Muslim Wife in Jannat
Ummahatul Mumineen Hazrat umme Salma (radhiallaho anha) asked Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) “On the day of Qiyaamat, will Muslim women be more beautiful or the Hoors of Jannat?” Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) replied: “The Muslim women will be more beautiful, because they performed namaaz, kept fast, served their husbands, went through so much difficulties at the time of giving birth etc.for all this Allah Ta’ala will place extra Noor of Ibaadat on their faces.
Whereas the Hoors did not do anything of the above, e.g. salaat, fast, labor pains, etc. So they will not have the Noor of all this. Just imagine the condition of a person who’s heart is filled with Noor by Allah Ta’ala. How beautifully Hazrat Umme Salma (radhiallaho anha) represented the Muslim women of the whole world by asking the above question.
26. How the Righteous Treat Their Wives
Coming back to the good treatment of a wife, Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) was not hard or harsh to his wives; he always treated them with kindness. His life pattern was the most beautiful and most worthy of following.
His character was also of the best and highest degree as is stated in the Qur’aan. Mirza Mazhar Jaan-e-Jana (rahmatullah alaihe) was of a very sensitive nature, but his wife was of a bitter character. When a disciple asked him why he had married such a woman, he said, “The honor and respect you see bestowed upon me is because of the blessing of Sabr which I make upon this wife’s bitter and ill-temper.”
Hazrat Shah Abul Hasan Kharqani (rahmatullah alaihe) was seen coming from the jungle, seated on a lion with a snake in his hand for a whip. When he was asked about his karaamat (miracle) he replied, “I have a very badtempered wife, but I forgive her thinking her to be Allah’s bondswoman, and have patience on her ill-temper, Allah Ta’ala has blessed me with this karaamat.” By having patience, one attains great stages by Allah Ta’ala. Many men have become Allah Ta’ala’s friends by just treating their wives with good character. Just think for a moment, if your daughter is bad-tempered and cheeky, and her husband tolerates her, will you not praise this son-in-law of yours? Will you not respect and honor this nobility and worthiness of his? You will even perhaps write down some wealth of yours for him in your will. Therefore, you should also tolerate the domineer of your wife then see what great rewards you will earn for this small action Inshallah.
O Allah, let us treat our wives with good character and bless the wives with taufeeq to keep their husbands happy. O Allah, Ta’ala create love between all couples. Give them a life for fulfilling Your commands and acting upon the Sunnats of our beloved Rasul (salellaho alaihe wasallam), and let them have hatred for all customs and innovations, let us all have marriages according to the Sunnat method. Save us from our evil selves and shaytan. Let us pass every breath in Your command and save us from Your displeasure. O Allah Ta’ala, bless perfect matches to boys and girls who are not married. Give them love and common understanding amongst themselves. Remove all their misunderstandings, fights, quarrels and arguments, and make their homes places of peace and contentment. O Allah Ta’ala, put mercy in the hearts of those men who are oppressing their wives, and those women who are troubling their husbands, make them good and obedient to their husbands. O Allah Ta’ala, bless all with ease, peace and contentment in the whole universe. O Allah Ta’ala, save us from the conspiracy of the Jews and the Christians. O Allah Ta’ala, destroy all their plans, which they are making to destroy the Muslims. Allah Ta’ala, accept these dua’as of ours.